With the acceptance of my own vulnerability has come the desire to find my real strength. And although it’s kind of reflecting on my gym training, targeting my back and hips which were my weakest points and now starting to get really strong, is also my own inner strength. Strength to sustain myself, happy, satisfied, proud, healthy and purposefully.
With my luck, right now I have the blessing of not needing to work to survive. Healing not only my body but my mind and soul.
For years I thought I had achieved the balance I always dreamed of but very quickly lost it when I began to step out of my comfort zone. The last failed intent to quit my hiv meds showed me I have a very vulnerable side. A little me wanting to be saved. This little boy still exists after I grown up. But the memories of my childhood hold on. Memories of abuse and impermanence, never knowing where I’d be the next moment, and most importantly, not caring what could happen, just waiting for my mother to care and be stronger than her fears, or someone else, whomever willing to step in and change my reality.
I don’t think I ever wonder what would be to be someone else. I didn’t dream of a better life. I didn’t know a better life could be. But I was angry for having the life I had, and for having nothing mine.
So now that I’m trying to find that connection with myself, yet again, the same question comes to me. Who am I? What do I really want?
And here is what it’s been lurking on my mind for few days now. -Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it to ESCAPE or to STAY? And the answer so far has been to ESCAPE. Which puts quite clearly the vulnerable situation with my inner child and the need to be saved.
Ok, now I’m changing that pattern. Focusing on what I really want, in an STAY. For this I need to focus on doing and being in ways that I enjoyed out of pure love, happiness and connection. No more hiding or wanting to be better or higher, simply me. To answer the first question I ever asked myself: What do I want to become?
I always knew I could be anything, and I’ve done pretty much everything in my life, from whore to prophet, junkie to athlete, from rich to poor, from dark to light. But all that has happened to me, the opportunities presented themselves and I took them. And yes, I’m proud of myself for everything I’ve done and been. However, I feel I have the opportunity to become someone truly in touch with myself.
If I could dream of something, healing is my trademark. I’m loving massage and I’m feeling the desire to learn every muscle and bone and organ. I’d love to learn acupuncture and emotional points and depilen my knowledge on massage.
I also love fitness and would absolutely adore to have few clients, maybe in my own gym or Fitness & Health Holistic Centre.
Taking this direction on my own life as way more challenging than you think. Doing things I like for the pleasure of liking them is a very new concept for me and still triggers feelings of unworthiness and guilt. But I’m working with it, staying silent, meditating and staying healthy. I know one day I’ll become my greatest forgotten dream. A good balance between taking and giving, loving and being loved, strength and vulnerability, happiness and retreat, light and dark.
And so it is.
SatNam – Inlakesh – Namaste