Today I felt the first sign of fear in my mind as we continue to dodge HIV medication. It's been 15 days since I began cutting in half the half-dosis I was taken and although nothing has changed on the outside, as it normally happens, I began to notice the weakness of my mind.
Since last Tuesday July 25, 2017 when I met my Ex for lunch that turned into drinks, then spliff, then kiss, I've been having tabaco at home. You may say 'oh com'on, tabaco?' But it's true, my mind and my body have an extremely powerful way to show me what the hell its going on inside myself, right or wrong.
The truth is this, once I begin to stand alone with my health and separate myself from the doctors and medication, I become very strict with my habits and processes, my mind sharpens and my ego battles for survival.
Whatever I know it's wrong or not beneficial to my body, regardless of how much my mind wants it, becomes a thousand times more harmful than it would normally be in other situations, like while taking medication.
Anyway, I've been smoking, 2,3,4 cigarettes a day. Rolled, no filter. Nothing significant, but I know I don't need it and it's harmful. Yesterday, after I smoked one at night began to feel how my throat was drying up, and a powerful sense of guilt began to build up.
This morning, I felt pain in muy throat, and immediately my mind began to fear the worse.
"Is my immune system weak? What am I doing thinking I can stop medication? Why am I doing this? Why can't I just be normal? Have s normal life with job, friends, fun… Does my body feel week? Am I doing the right thing, and for the right reasons? Am I worth receiving the blessing of health? Why I feel unworthy and arrogant? … Please, Father, guide me.
And so I begin to scan my whole body, spirit and mind.
This morning, in meditation, asked if I was doing anything wrong. The answer was, NO – But I know I must stop all smoke coming into my lungs at once! For the simple reason that energetically is totally opposite to what I intend to achieve. Inhaling CO2 is wrong, that's what my body exhales. I must breathe deep, do yoga and sing.
Then I asked if everything was alright. Intending to ask if everything was pointing the right direction. The answer was, YES.
In general, I felt connected and my ego was humble.
This episode of fear has reminded me of the need to be humble and respectful to my body.
And so, I ask myself at all different levels and dimensions to be kind and wise. To know when enough is enough, when much is too much and little is too little. To have the ability to discern what's best for us (body, mind and soul) and to listen the guidance from above.
And so it is.
1. I've been coughing and feeling a dry throat since last night.
2. Spit very little phlegm, whitish in colour.
3. I've been training really hard at the gym.
4. My whole body aches.
5. Haven't had much rest.
6. Been thinking a lot about how to be/do the best I can. Using my talent and my abilities. Apply to TheGym for a PT position, find ways to learn, serve, etc better.
7. Sometimes I feel I'm obsessing with my body and physic. I want to cut body fat in half but worry that sometimes I might under eat and then have days of binge eating.
8. Still, sometimes fear I'm not good enough 😦
9. Sometimes feel alone :((
10. I love what I do ❤️ and who/what I am 🏳️🌈❤️☺️