To Stay or To Escape?

With the acceptance of my own vulnerability has come the desire to find my real strength. And although it’s kind of reflecting on my gym training, targeting my back and hips which were my weakest points and now starting to get really strong, is also my own inner strength. Strength to sustain myself, happy, satisfied, proud, healthy and purposefully.

With my luck, right now I have the blessing of not needing to work to survive. Healing not only my body but my mind and soul.
For years I thought I had achieved the balance I always dreamed of but very quickly lost it when I began to step out of my comfort zone. The last failed intent to quit my hiv meds showed me I have a very vulnerable side. A little me wanting to be saved. This little boy still exists after I grown up. But the memories of my childhood hold on. Memories of abuse and impermanence, never knowing where I’d be the next moment, and most importantly, not caring what could happen, just waiting for my mother to care and be stronger than her fears, or someone else, whomever willing to step in and change my reality.

I don’t think I ever wonder what would be to be someone else. I didn’t dream of a better life. I didn’t know a better life could be. But I was angry for having the life I had, and for having nothing mine.

So now that I’m trying to find that connection with myself, yet again, the same question comes to me. Who am I? What do I really want?
And here is what it’s been lurking on my mind for few days now. -Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it to ESCAPE or to STAY? And the answer so far has been to ESCAPE. Which puts quite clearly the vulnerable situation with my inner child and the need to be saved.

Ok, now I’m changing that pattern. Focusing on what I really want, in an STAY. For this I need to focus on doing and being in ways that I enjoyed out of pure love, happiness and connection. No more hiding or wanting to be better or higher, simply me. To answer the first question I ever asked myself: What do I want to become?

I always knew I could be anything, and I’ve done pretty much everything in my life, from whore to prophet, junkie to athlete, from rich to poor, from dark to light. But all that has happened to me, the opportunities presented themselves and I took them. And yes, I’m proud of myself for everything I’ve done and been. However, I feel I have the opportunity to become someone truly in touch with myself.

If I could dream of something, healing is my trademark. I’m loving massage and I’m feeling the desire to learn every muscle and bone and organ. I’d love to learn acupuncture and emotional points and depilen my knowledge on massage.
I also love fitness and would absolutely adore to have few clients, maybe in my own gym or Fitness & Health Holistic Centre.

Taking this direction on my own life as way more challenging than you think. Doing things I like for the pleasure of liking them is a very new concept for me and still triggers feelings of unworthiness and guilt. But I’m working with it, staying silent, meditating and staying healthy. I know one day I’ll become my greatest forgotten dream. A good balance between taking and giving, loving and being loved, strength and vulnerability, happiness and retreat, light and dark.

And so it is.
Thank you
SatNam – Inlakesh – Namaste

Cristos Andronicos
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A Startling Revelation

The past 3 days have changed everything I thought I knew about myself. I was committed to leave the HIV treatment behind. Why?
One, because I knew I could. Having reached a level of clarity and balance in mind and spirit I was certain to be ready to move up to the next level.
Two, because it wasn't just my crazy mind thinking HIV has a big question mark over itself, but also renowned scientists from all over the world, including the French guy who discovered it in the first place.
However, in the last 3 days everything changed. I was hit by a wave of pain and weakness that seemed to come from way deeper than my immune system, but from the origin of my emotions; my inner child.
That tiny voiced talked to me and asked me to be kinder and more loving to myself. Acknowledging a sense of 'not being good enough' I realised, right now I am good enough and don't need to continue proving that, neither to myself or anyone else.
Then, something really peculiar happened as I wrote my on Theory of Evilution (soon to be published online). The realisation of how much HIV has helped the cause of gay people in this world. Since it began, although the fear of it was immense, the fact that hay people were dying by the thousands United the world in the hope of a solution. It gave us the opportunity to feel cared for and, in the least, acknowledged. Thanks to HIV and AIDS, millions of gay people around the world found a voice and a reason to live, and I am definitely one of them. I owed HIV my current peace and strength, not given by the pills but by coming face to face with death.
So, having this realisation turning my point of view from rebellious to grateful, plus the little voice in my heart telling me, I just want to be part of something great, feel cared for and acknowledged made me reconsider my latest decision to stop my treatment. And more importantly to embrace it as a gift and a blessing.

This, as I said before, changed everything. And it all happened in a moment of truth. I was feeling very coldish, my body had a breakdown from overtraining in the gym, my energy levels were down from overworking with my clients, and my heart asked for cuddles after my over competitive spirit demanded more, more more.

On the morning of the August 3 at 8am, I took a full dosis of my medication. Pretty much instantly my body began to react favourably. I could breath better, my nose cleared up and my strength began to cone back. This was the moment I knew really wanted to continue with it. Regardless of how much it is saving my life (which in true honesty I don't think it to be the case) but it makes my part of the great family of hiv positive people who have cheated death and came back stronger and fearless.

As a friend put it, "you have to embrace your dark side" and right now my dark side is the acknowledgement that I am a very lonely man, who writes blogs because I have no one to talk to. Mainly because I never trusted anyone, and looked with resentment everyone else. I know, how it sound and I can't but own it. However, this step I feel brings me closer to my real self. The one that loves everyone and adores to be loved by everyone else.
I am here to serve and be served, care and be care for. And every time I take my pills I feel a sense of being cared for, allowing me to not push myself to be perfect and the strongest in order to have value and be worthy of love and recognition.

So here we are, one again changing lanes and moving happier in a different direction.
Thank you for listening and following my steps, I know no one is reading, but what's important is that I'm speaking my truth and this conversation makes my heart feel listened. Boom boom– boom boom, that's the rhythm of my love.

Thank you
SatNam – Inlakesh – Namaste

Cristos Andronicos