The past 3 days have changed everything I thought I knew about myself. I was committed to leave the HIV treatment behind. Why?
One, because I knew I could. Having reached a level of clarity and balance in mind and spirit I was certain to be ready to move up to the next level.
Two, because it wasn't just my crazy mind thinking HIV has a big question mark over itself, but also renowned scientists from all over the world, including the French guy who discovered it in the first place.
However, in the last 3 days everything changed. I was hit by a wave of pain and weakness that seemed to come from way deeper than my immune system, but from the origin of my emotions; my inner child.
That tiny voiced talked to me and asked me to be kinder and more loving to myself. Acknowledging a sense of 'not being good enough' I realised, right now I am good enough and don't need to continue proving that, neither to myself or anyone else.
Then, something really peculiar happened as I wrote my on Theory of Evilution (soon to be published online). The realisation of how much HIV has helped the cause of gay people in this world. Since it began, although the fear of it was immense, the fact that hay people were dying by the thousands United the world in the hope of a solution. It gave us the opportunity to feel cared for and, in the least, acknowledged. Thanks to HIV and AIDS, millions of gay people around the world found a voice and a reason to live, and I am definitely one of them. I owed HIV my current peace and strength, not given by the pills but by coming face to face with death.
So, having this realisation turning my point of view from rebellious to grateful, plus the little voice in my heart telling me, I just want to be part of something great, feel cared for and acknowledged made me reconsider my latest decision to stop my treatment. And more importantly to embrace it as a gift and a blessing.
This, as I said before, changed everything. And it all happened in a moment of truth. I was feeling very coldish, my body had a breakdown from overtraining in the gym, my energy levels were down from overworking with my clients, and my heart asked for cuddles after my over competitive spirit demanded more, more more.
On the morning of the August 3 at 8am, I took a full dosis of my medication. Pretty much instantly my body began to react favourably. I could breath better, my nose cleared up and my strength began to cone back. This was the moment I knew really wanted to continue with it. Regardless of how much it is saving my life (which in true honesty I don't think it to be the case) but it makes my part of the great family of hiv positive people who have cheated death and came back stronger and fearless.
As a friend put it, "you have to embrace your dark side" and right now my dark side is the acknowledgement that I am a very lonely man, who writes blogs because I have no one to talk to. Mainly because I never trusted anyone, and looked with resentment everyone else. I know, how it sound and I can't but own it. However, this step I feel brings me closer to my real self. The one that loves everyone and adores to be loved by everyone else.
I am here to serve and be served, care and be care for. And every time I take my pills I feel a sense of being cared for, allowing me to not push myself to be perfect and the strongest in order to have value and be worthy of love and recognition.
So here we are, one again changing lanes and moving happier in a different direction.
Thank you for listening and following my steps, I know no one is reading, but what's important is that I'm speaking my truth and this conversation makes my heart feel listened. Boom boom– boom boom, that's the rhythm of my love.
SatNam – Inlakesh – Namaste