Addiction – The Eye of the Storm

Its 1900 hours and you have no money and nothing to do, nothing to smoke or drink; no one to call. You are all alone, sitting next to the clock. Tick Tock – Tick Tock. Nothing moves. Time slows down and all you want is to avoid the void, the solid silence that kills your thoughts, and brings out from hell, Fire. Fiery anxiety and pain that burns inside like an evil witch; the price paid for your wisdom at bay.
Millions of images cross your mind. All of them, of you alone, wondering in the dark. Panic attack. Fear is all you feel. What did you do wrong? Why are you living like this?

“- I don’t know. – I can’t. – I don’t want.  – I need. – I fear. – It hurts. – I suffer. – I cry.”

I know you do, I hurt like you do. But don’t worry, it’s ok to cry, its ok to suffer and hurt.
That’s right, sometimes we go cold, sometimes the turkey wont talk and all we can do is not move, listen and hope. That’s right, stop it, stop it all. >>> Breathe slow. >>>1-2-3 INHALE. 1-2-3 WAIT. 1-2-3 LET GO.>>>

I know it hurts. You’re thinking to much. Stop it. – Stop asking why, you’re hurting yourself.
OK, lets do it together, come breathe with me >>>Breathe slow. >>>1-2-3 INHALE. 1-2-3 WAIT. 1-2-3 LET GO.>>> No more thoughts, only silence and hope.

That’s it, you see. It gets better with me. You are not alone, I know what you feel. I am here to breathe and see yourself free.
You have nothing to worry, you have nothing to fear.
Right now you are breathing and that’s all you need.
Stop suffering, to stop killing yourself.

I know babe, I know it hurts. Cry all you need, cry rivers of tears. You have nothing to fear and this is your biggest fear. Crazy paradox. For if you are ready for greatness what will you achieve? That’s right.. Nothingness scares you no more, the silence or the void. Just stop going around, thinking festering thoughts. Give thanks to the moon, the planets and the sun. You are one great mystery, the greatest of them all.

U SEE: Three seconds it takes to live once again,
only three tiny seconds it takes to forgive and love yourself.


>>Breathe slow. >>>1-2-3 INHALE. 1-2-3 WAIT. 1-2-3 LET GO.>>>
LoveAlways x 333



The Power of Prayer – No Shit Sherlock

Believe me, when you’ve been traded like a slave, taken away from the land of your birth; raped, beaten and humiliated in every way from the age of 4… prayer means shit to you. So, what I’m about to share here is the true account of interesting facts that have had the power to transform my mind from an angry, vengeful demon into a beautiful, humble, friendly, supportive and benevolent angel. Impossible? Not quite…

From the bank of memories:

Before I was snatched from my home, one of the earliest memories I have is one of a naked man hanging from a cross. My parents who later in life I discovered were actually my grandparents, used to go every day to the church around the corner from our home. I can still remember the feeling of solemnity that place had and a life-size Christ welcoming all guests. Back then, the representation was so real to my child’s eyes, I could almost see tears of blood running down his cheeks, chest, knees and feet; the pain and the desolation of someone left alone to die.
I remember staring at every wound, every muscle, every tiny detail of the the humiliated man who in pain was still asked to hear my prayers. In all honesty, I just couldn’t. I don’t remember ever saying anything neither in my mind or out-loud. I had nothing to ask, I had everything I could possibly want. 

On the day of my abduction, the moment when I registered pain consciously for the first time, was a shock. My mind couldn’t compute anything. I had no idea what was going on. One day I was happy, the next, I was inside a car having the top of my head hammered in one single blow and asked not to move and say nothing to anyone. I remember how inside my head I could see white, my eyes blurred but I couldn’t cry. We just sat in the back of the car in silence; my older brother was next to me. Even more scared than I was. The lights of his eyes were lost and he begged me without words to not move and do as I was told.

Did I pray on those moments? Fuck no, at least I don’t remember. There was no time to pray. God? what god? God for what or for whom? From that day onwards I was scared twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. After Abduction-Day, I hardly saw my brother again, although I knew that only a small wall stood between us during the nine years we lived caged. If not hundred percent in the body, we definitely felt caged in our minds.

The first time I remember praying was about 7 years into my new life of horror. The man of the family saw the birth of his firstborn son five years after my abduction. He, had a son and therefore I, a new baby brother… sort of. The little rascal was pretty but quite a devil as well. As he grew up, he knew how to manipulate every situation to make me do whatever he wanted. Bring him milk, toys, play with him, do as I was told. I couldn’t say no, or he would cry and I’d get beaten. This little child had everything I didn’t have, and over the years I resented that big time. Toys in Christmas and birthdays, freedom to watch TV, play or have friends. Nothing, I had nothing; just a bunch of fears and moments that went from healing my wounds, to be beaten and hurt again. A never ending cycle that fuelled the most powerful anger and resentment inside my heart. However, one day I wanted something especial…  No, it wasn’t to go back to the loving arms of my family. At that point I could hardly remember them, I used to think that they could find me if they wanted to, and if they haven’t…. well, they didn’t want me back. No, I didn’t want toys or cakes, or freedom or love. I simply wanted a violin.  – Ha! You didn’t expect that… did you?

Yes, a young boy with nothing in the world wanted a violin out of the blue. Of course, I had no Santa to whom to write a letter. So, I called god…

For months, maybe years I prayed every night my heart out to my god asking for a violin. I even knew where I wanted that violin to appear; inside the closet. And so, every night I’d pray and ask for my violin and  every morning I’d wake up before everyone else and very quietly, hugely quietly I’d get up and search inside the closet for my beautiful god-given violin. And every morning the violin was not there, and every morning I got angrier. However, at night I’d give god another chance and with all my heart pray for my violin to appear during the day. It never did. Obviously.
I couldn’t believe how god didn’t grant me my wish when clearly I had the right to ask for anything. Specially after noncompliance of my new life. Never, not once I asked why me? Never I asked to have a different life, a painless happy life. Not once, I asked for my mother’s embrace or my fathers protection, and still, this “benevolent” god cannot do something as simple as appear a fucking violin in my closet in the middle of the night? I was gutted, I waited years… Years! to have one single wish, and not even that I got. God could go and fuck himself. I’m telling you that.

I hope by now you realise that if there is someone on this planet conditioned to NOT believe in god and prayer is me. So how did that all change?

It was 2012 and I was ready to die. I was tired and very sad. Nothing in life could bring hope or love into my heart. Up to that point I had tried everything, taking every opportunity to escape the reality of this world. Suicide? No, that didn’t work either, but in November 11, 2011 something wonderful happened: I began to die quietly, smoothly and painless. It truly was a gift from god and I welcomed it with a joyful open heart. In less than 3 months, I was in a coma with pneumonia and swine-flu.
Little did I know, I was not as alone as I always thought.

My mother, my real birth mom finally appeared.
Destroyed by guilt and sadness, she saw her child dying on hospital bed. Out of her reach, he lied apparently unconscious inside the infectious disease ward.

Doctors gave her no hope and asked for her permission to disconnect me the machine that kept me alive. She did not comply. Instead, she raised heaven and hell (mainly online and through social media) pouring her heart out to the world. She asked for prayers to save my life, and she got them. As a well known public figure, specially within the Latin world, she had the power and opportunity to reach out and be heard. As a Kundalini yoga and spiritual teacher she knew the way. In days, chains of prayer began forming across the globe. From the Mayan peninsula, La Tierra del Fuego to India and Europe, people joined in one single voice to pray for a woman’s child finally found.

In the meantime, whilst in coma…
I was awake and fully conscious of my existence, somewhere else, not here though. Still, with past and present experience, just not inside my body. On day nine of my time in coma, I had crossed already three dimensions. Call it 3 Stages of a Dream if you’d like. I’m just going to ask you when was the last time you had Choice within one of your dreams? – I had choice within that, whatever or where ever it was, and it was been acknowledged by whatever is that I am.
In those moments of dream-like quality I was presented with many choices, and at some point, after a long arduous journey, I had in front of me The Ultimate Choice. Are you staying or are you not?

In the last stage of my journey, a line appeared in front of me and behind it there were tall flames. Tens, hundreds of them, can’t say, but a lot. White spectrums of Beings standing next to each other, and everyone was there because of me. I couldn’t see faces or feet but I could recognise presence and a sense of familiarity. I could feel their love and how much they care. It was the most blissful moment of my entire recorded life. If forty years of pain had as reward only seconds of that blissful time, makes it all worth it.
Without hesitation I approached the dividing line. Two figures from the other side came forward as they extended their hands to me. Then, I saw my grand-parents. The two figures that brought me up with love and discipline for four years, and whom forever will be the loving pillars of my life. They, who died many years ago were now right in front of me welcoming me into a painless-loving reality. And yes, I chose to cross the line and join them.

However, out of nowhere, in that precise moment a tiny light came rushing from behind. This tiny light totally disturbed the essence of the pristine moment I was experiencing, distracting me and somehow stopping me from crossing-over. In my determination to continue moving forward, I saw more lights, all coming from behind but from every direction this time, and all having the same intention: Going back. But I was going no where. At that point I was certain only of one thing, I was done with my life! – But the tiny lights didn’t falter. A moment of total silence made everything rumble. And a familiar voice said: STOP RESISTING AND LET GO. YOUR PREVIOUS FORTY YEARS ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOUR NEXT FORTY YEARS. NOW ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE.

No thought was given, no time existed. Next thing I know, I’m waking up inside my body, inside the hospital with nurses holding my head ready to disconnect me from the machine that kept me alive.
Few days after I witness the pouring of prayers and attention my mother got on Facebook and other social media. I received visits, emails, gifts coming from everywhere asking how I was. It truly was a miracle I survived. Doctors were never able to explain how the hell I woke up having 95% of my lungs damaged by pneumonia, Having a count of 11 out of 600-1200 CD4 cells in my body with what doctors called full blown AIDS, plus swine flu. So…


Prayer for me is the certainty that my words are meaningful and important, the ability of my mind to recognise its inability to understand everything, and my hearts ability to love and forgive.

  • Many pray out of fear: “please help me”
  • Many pray out of pain: “please heal me”
  • But very few pray out of love: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you. Thank you”

I can tell you something now. Everything, absolutely is possible. Believe me, I know.

I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you.

Thank you


LoveAlways x 333

PS: Finally, I got my violin last year. A Happy Bunny I Am. – Happy Easter 🙂



In Between, I Live

One is the evident reality of the mind, the construction of time where nothing survives.

The other one is the construction of the soul; a deep wish to build bridges between the physical and spirit worlds, generating hope within a vision of unity and trust.

And 3, the unavoidable truth of the void in between; where immortality and deep sadness conquers the abyss.

What is yet to happen? I do not know, and if I didn't know better I'd be feeling lost.
Fortunately, I do know better; practice meditation, yoga and self-sacrifice.

I command my time and my space and allow everything in between to coexist in peace.

And so WE ARE
x 333

Happy Equinox Day, A day of Balance

Not Taking HIV Meds Makes Me A Better Human Being

This, I always knew. Resting on safe kills me.

And it may only be me or a belief in my reality, but I have confirmed many times over that, not taking life for granted makes me fight for it. Unfortunately, and I say this in all honesty; Unfortunately, taking medication makes me feel safe. I don’t have an issue with all medication though, I love pills in general. But HIV medication clashes with many of my beliefs and ways of being. This because of my personal experience with the “virus” during the twelve years or so I have being positive, plus the HIV Dissident theory and my very own spiritual doctrine.

Then, I ask myself: Is it wrong to feel safe? The immediate answer would be no, of course not. However, going deeper into the complexity of behaviours and thought patterns that arise when feeling safe, I would begin to question the need to provide my life with such security and safety if I see myself not practicing my truth, losing contact with my god, which makes my mind arrogant and lazy to the point of forgetting what I know to be real, and what is, in many ways, more powerful than any drug. [Self-Control]

What are those behaviours and thought patterns? To begin with and the more obvious one is, not taking [enough] care of myself, my life and my health.
Why? Very simple, because I don’t feel the need to. Everything is under control [supposedly] by the retroviral medication. I don’t need to worry about every cigaret I smoke, or the quality of water I drink or meditating every day for a quiet mind, or doing yoga, accounting for every breath I take whilst doing every form of energy healing work known to me to maintain a good energy flow in my body and mind.  No, I don’t need to pray hoping for the best whilst preparing for the worse. I don’t need to take responsibility over anything relating to my health, at least not as a pressing matter or with a sense of urgency as it is my doctor’s responsibility to heal me and do everything they can to keep me well and healthy. And this is great, isn’t it? Regardless of the discrepancies.

Any “normal” person would think that feeling safe is the greatest blessing in the world, and could be taken as one of the best opportunities to grow and amass wealth. This, I find especially true with those individuals harbouring big fears and insecurities. – They truly need to feel safe to thrive. Not me though. I have learnt to walk blind. Learning to trust certain parts of me that know what is best for myself better than my own mind, or the mind of others.

So, what is this special part of me that knows better than my own mind? And what new property it has to make it so reliable and trustworthy now? What is intuition? What is experience? What is wisdom? – And the answer is: “Don’t know, but I trust it will be revealed to me in due course.”

During the many years of self-exploration and thanks to the pristine quality and resilience of my heart and mind, I have come to realise one truth. A truth that resonates within me in many different levels and dimensions; my mind understands it and believes it, my heart loves it and embrace it, my body feels it and lives it, and my soul recognise it as part of itself. Such is my truth. What truth is it? – I HEAL.

What is my definition of Health? – Health is balance, harmony and beauty. Health is abundance of life even in death, wealth of love and trust, expression-Transition-connection. – So, for me, in order to experience any kind of healing, I must:

  1. Feel, love and accept everything as it is.
  2. Be able to see order beyond the apparent chaos.
  3. Feel humbled and grateful for the perfection of all that what I am part of.
  4. Be able to share my experience.
  5. Know that everything shall pass and we are only here in transit.
  6. Be able to find the source, the primal thought of every pain and dis-ease within myself.
  7. Be able to learn and to listen from pain.
  8. Understand no one is to blame.
  9. Take full responsibility for all my thoughts, actions and words.
  10. Be ready to change.
  11. Be willing to choose.
  12. Be ready to Act


Is in this process, where many things do not clock in with the HIV theory that the world wants us to know; a virus that has been known to kill mainly homosexuals, drug-addicts and hemophiliacs; having as our only salvation the retroviral medication.

However, by some very unique circumstances in my life, I have come to question HIV and its irrefutable relationship with AIDS. Mainly, these unique circumstances showed me the possibility of another possible cause for AIDS. One that is more closely related to thoughts and emotions more than just a retrovirus passed through sexual intercourse.

The result of 8 years [and ongoing] research, study, control and mastery of my body and mind, have brought to my reality more options than anticipated. Succinctly speaking, The Choices I Choose In Life. And in that respect, I now feel the freedom to choose differently, if I feel inclined to do so. Different options than the ones we [as in general] have been conditioned to choose and believe in.

I believe HIV is a self-destruct mechanism activated within the body when the meaning of life becomes unbearably confused, unconditional self love and acceptance is dead, forgiveness is lost in translation and pain and guilt are  the main resident within our hearts. 

Yes it is true, I choose life, love and light over death, fear and darkness. But it is also true that I don’t fear darkness or death.
I have been very fortunate enough to experience life after death, love within fear and the light at the end of the tunnel. From the farthest extremes into one singular point, a paradise and a real place within myself. A sense of guidance and reassurance; humble and proud, innocent and wise.  With all these I ask, who do you choose to be? Not focusing on what the conditioned mind wants, but putting all the attention on what it is that we really wish for, knowing what is the deepest heart’s desire.

Asking the following questions helps me decode my own truth …

  • What do I wish to provide myself with?
  • What do I wish to experience?
  • What do I wish to learn?
  • What do I wish share?
  • What do I wish to be?
  • What do I wish to feel?

Possible answers to these questions are:

  • I wish to provide myself with evidence of my own greatness.
  • I wish to experience Clear – Constant – Connection with all.
  • I wish to learn how to love without fear of rejection.
  • I wish to share my experience, the good, the bad and the ugly.
  • I wish to be all that I can be.
  • I wish to feel high even when I’m low.

To wrap it all up. This kind of philosophical questions only come to me when I’m not distracted by my feelings of good and the sensory experiences that take control over my reality and life when nothing is wrong. I’m a bon-vivant and I love the pleasures that life has to offer, but I also know the satisfaction that comes with self-sacrifice, discipline and determination.

I’m now in a point of my life when I have to practice what I preach, passing from one level to the next. Like a job promotion, one has to adapt to the new circumstances and use all one’s skills and talents to make progress happen.

  • I know there is more to life than what I’m experiencing at the moment.
  • I know I am capable to achieve my heart’s desire.
  • I know healing is a reward.
  • I know love and forgiveness.
  • I know pain is a teacher
  • I know compassion and empathy.
  • I know I am loved.
  • I know I won’t give up.
  • I know I can become immortal.

PS: Immortality is the ability to stay present beyond the physical body. Never forgotten, always the memory alive.
LoveAlways x 333


Missing Child

I was abducted/ kidnaped at the age of 4 and kept in captivity for 9 years. The man said he loved me, his wife didn’t care about the sexual and physical abuse that many times took me to the brink of death. Beaten, kicked, punched, burned, hanged, drowned; I spent my days waiting inside the small room and under the bed I used to call mine, waiting for any noise that would let me know He was approaching. The undoubtable rhythm and weight of his footsteps on the floor, a shadow or his voice.

I was told not to show fear and to smile while I was been tortured in any way. Many times I was beaten from behind. He loved hitting my head with spray-cans or bottles when I was not looking, and because I was trained not to react to pain I would only feel the warmth of my blood running down my hair and neck whist recovering from the shock in silence ….. 


To Stay or To Escape?

With the acceptance of my own vulnerability has come the desire to find my real strength. And although it’s kind of reflecting on my gym training, targeting my back and hips which were my weakest points and now starting to get really strong, is also my own inner strength. Strength to sustain myself, happy, satisfied, proud, healthy and purposefully.

With my luck, right now I have the blessing of not needing to work to survive. Healing not only my body but my mind and soul.
For years I thought I had achieved the balance I always dreamed of but very quickly lost it when I began to step out of my comfort zone. The last failed intent to quit my hiv meds showed me I have a very vulnerable side. A little me wanting to be saved. This little boy still exists after I grown up. But the memories of my childhood hold on. Memories of abuse and impermanence, never knowing where I’d be the next moment, and most importantly, not caring what could happen, just waiting for my mother to care and be stronger than her fears, or someone else, whomever willing to step in and change my reality.

I don’t think I ever wonder what would be to be someone else. I didn’t dream of a better life. I didn’t know a better life could be. But I was angry for having the life I had, and for having nothing mine.

So now that I’m trying to find that connection with myself, yet again, the same question comes to me. Who am I? What do I really want?
And here is what it’s been lurking on my mind for few days now. -Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it to ESCAPE or to STAY? And the answer so far has been to ESCAPE. Which puts quite clearly the vulnerable situation with my inner child and the need to be saved.

Ok, now I’m changing that pattern. Focusing on what I really want, in an STAY. For this I need to focus on doing and being in ways that I enjoyed out of pure love, happiness and connection. No more hiding or wanting to be better or higher, simply me. To answer the first question I ever asked myself: What do I want to become?

I always knew I could be anything, and I’ve done pretty much everything in my life, from whore to prophet, junkie to athlete, from rich to poor, from dark to light. But all that has happened to me, the opportunities presented themselves and I took them. And yes, I’m proud of myself for everything I’ve done and been. However, I feel I have the opportunity to become someone truly in touch with myself.

If I could dream of something, healing is my trademark. I’m loving massage and I’m feeling the desire to learn every muscle and bone and organ. I’d love to learn acupuncture and emotional points and depilen my knowledge on massage.
I also love fitness and would absolutely adore to have few clients, maybe in my own gym or Fitness & Health Holistic Centre.

Taking this direction on my own life as way more challenging than you think. Doing things I like for the pleasure of liking them is a very new concept for me and still triggers feelings of unworthiness and guilt. But I’m working with it, staying silent, meditating and staying healthy. I know one day I’ll become my greatest forgotten dream. A good balance between taking and giving, loving and being loved, strength and vulnerability, happiness and retreat, light and dark.

And so it is.
Thank you
SatNam – Inlakesh – Namaste

Cristos Andronicos

A Startling Revelation

The past 3 days have changed everything I thought I knew about myself. I was committed to leave the HIV treatment behind. Why?
One, because I knew I could. Having reached a level of clarity and balance in mind and spirit I was certain to be ready to move up to the next level.
Two, because it wasn't just my crazy mind thinking HIV has a big question mark over itself, but also renowned scientists from all over the world, including the French guy who discovered it in the first place.
However, in the last 3 days everything changed. I was hit by a wave of pain and weakness that seemed to come from way deeper than my immune system, but from the origin of my emotions; my inner child.
That tiny voiced talked to me and asked me to be kinder and more loving to myself. Acknowledging a sense of 'not being good enough' I realised, right now I am good enough and don't need to continue proving that, neither to myself or anyone else.
Then, something really peculiar happened as I wrote my on Theory of Evilution (soon to be published online). The realisation of how much HIV has helped the cause of gay people in this world. Since it began, although the fear of it was immense, the fact that hay people were dying by the thousands United the world in the hope of a solution. It gave us the opportunity to feel cared for and, in the least, acknowledged. Thanks to HIV and AIDS, millions of gay people around the world found a voice and a reason to live, and I am definitely one of them. I owed HIV my current peace and strength, not given by the pills but by coming face to face with death.
So, having this realisation turning my point of view from rebellious to grateful, plus the little voice in my heart telling me, I just want to be part of something great, feel cared for and acknowledged made me reconsider my latest decision to stop my treatment. And more importantly to embrace it as a gift and a blessing.

This, as I said before, changed everything. And it all happened in a moment of truth. I was feeling very coldish, my body had a breakdown from overtraining in the gym, my energy levels were down from overworking with my clients, and my heart asked for cuddles after my over competitive spirit demanded more, more more.

On the morning of the August 3 at 8am, I took a full dosis of my medication. Pretty much instantly my body began to react favourably. I could breath better, my nose cleared up and my strength began to cone back. This was the moment I knew really wanted to continue with it. Regardless of how much it is saving my life (which in true honesty I don't think it to be the case) but it makes my part of the great family of hiv positive people who have cheated death and came back stronger and fearless.

As a friend put it, "you have to embrace your dark side" and right now my dark side is the acknowledgement that I am a very lonely man, who writes blogs because I have no one to talk to. Mainly because I never trusted anyone, and looked with resentment everyone else. I know, how it sound and I can't but own it. However, this step I feel brings me closer to my real self. The one that loves everyone and adores to be loved by everyone else.
I am here to serve and be served, care and be care for. And every time I take my pills I feel a sense of being cared for, allowing me to not push myself to be perfect and the strongest in order to have value and be worthy of love and recognition.

So here we are, one again changing lanes and moving happier in a different direction.
Thank you for listening and following my steps, I know no one is reading, but what's important is that I'm speaking my truth and this conversation makes my heart feel listened. Boom boom– boom boom, that's the rhythm of my love.

Thank you
SatNam – Inlakesh – Namaste

Cristos Andronicos

When Fear Attacks

Today I felt the first sign of fear in my mind as we continue to dodge HIV medication. It's been 15 days since I began cutting in half the half-dosis I was taken and although nothing has changed on the outside, as it normally happens, I began to notice the weakness of my mind.
Since last Tuesday July 25, 2017 when I met my Ex for lunch that turned into drinks, then spliff, then kiss, I've been having tabaco at home. You may say 'oh com'on, tabaco?' But it's true, my mind and my body have an extremely powerful way to show me what the hell its going on inside myself, right or wrong.

The truth is this, once I begin to stand alone with my health and separate myself from the doctors and medication, I become very strict with my habits and processes, my mind sharpens and my ego battles for survival.

Whatever I know it's wrong or not beneficial to my body, regardless of how much my mind wants it, becomes a thousand times more harmful than it would normally be in other situations, like while taking medication.

Anyway, I've been smoking, 2,3,4 cigarettes a day. Rolled, no filter. Nothing significant, but I know I don't need it and it's harmful. Yesterday, after I smoked one at night began to feel how my throat was drying up, and a powerful sense of guilt began to build up.
This morning, I felt pain in muy throat, and immediately my mind began to fear the worse.
"Is my immune system weak? What am I doing thinking I can stop medication? Why am I doing this? Why can't I just be normal? Have s normal life with job, friends, fun… Does my body feel week? Am I doing the right thing, and for the right reasons? Am I worth receiving the blessing of health? Why I feel unworthy and arrogant? … Please, Father, guide me.
And so I begin to scan my whole body, spirit and mind.

This morning, in meditation, asked if I was doing anything wrong. The answer was, NO – But I know I must stop all smoke coming into my lungs at once! For the simple reason that energetically is totally opposite to what I intend to achieve. Inhaling CO2 is wrong, that's what my body exhales. I must breathe deep, do yoga and sing.
Then I asked if everything was alright. Intending to ask if everything was pointing the right direction. The answer was, YES.
In general, I felt connected and my ego was humble.
This episode of fear has reminded me of the need to be humble and respectful to my body.

And so, I ask myself at all different levels and dimensions to be kind and wise. To know when enough is enough, when much is too much and little is too little. To have the ability to discern what's best for us (body, mind and soul) and to listen the guidance from above.

And so it is.
Thank you,

Cristos Andronicos

1. I've been coughing and feeling a dry throat since last night.
2. Spit very little phlegm, whitish in colour.
3. I've been training really hard at the gym.
4. My whole body aches.
5. Haven't had much rest.
6. Been thinking a lot about how to be/do the best I can. Using my talent and my abilities. Apply to TheGym for a PT position, find ways to learn, serve, etc better.
7. Sometimes I feel I'm obsessing with my body and physic. I want to cut body fat in half but worry that sometimes I might under eat and then have days of binge eating.
8. Still, sometimes fear I'm not good enough 😦
9. Sometimes feel alone :((
10. I love what I do ❤️ and who/what I am 🏳️‍🌈❤️☺️

Falling in love with my Ex once again .333

I can't believe I met my ex once again. Truly, I wasn't very keen to see him again this time after all these years (6) during his travels in Europe and the U.K. from Brazil. But this year was different.
As soon as I knew he was coming I felt a funny feeling inside my gut. Like a good sense of anticipation to a test I have always failed but this time was sure I had an honorable pass in my pocket.

Indeed, our journeys have taken us in very different directions, although many times I felt He got the best of deals. After our ordeals together, he got what he always wanted; the security of a 5 start condominium, a new car, and lots of money to spend, attached to a rich hard working sugar-daddy who lives in Germany and demand very little from him in his enormous generosity. Something so real you can touch and smell. And I have to admit, many times I felt jealousy and envy.

From my perspective, and for many years I battled with my own body and mind, in a quest for balance, health and strength. Making sure my choices felt right inside my gut, my heart and my soul. Within my journey, I've had the opportunity and immense luck to have enjoyed the abundance of this world in a very different way. Financial success came out of homelessness and thanks to state benefits (2012) that allowed me for the first time in my life to not worry about survival. With such luck, my physical and mental health improved to an almost pristine level. My life became austere and simple and with it, I had the time to focus on my healing myself and slowly began to take baby steps out into the wild world, feeling strong, safe and secure. In such journey, I've had only one true desire and that is to achieve something so incredibly difficult that no one would consider to conquer. Not even me. But since I was placed on this path, surely by myself, I had then and now no other reason to live but to achieve natural, highly conscious balance and health. The reason why I keep choosing to stop HIV medication and treatment after only 1.5 years into it, and deal with my health from a holistic, natural point of view.

But I need to make a very strong remark here. – I can't just choose one healing method over another or condemn and judge one as wrong or evil and another as good and righteous, since it's my true belief that ALL ways of healing have a reason, a moment and a purpose. And all should be treated as equally important to sustain and promote healthy lives in this planet.
Technology has advance great length in the last couple of centuries, and it will speed up in the near future, and hopefully, companies and profit will not have so much say in the development of new technology as the real care and compassion for a better, healthier civilisation and world.

So, seeing my Ex this time gave me the opportunity to test what and who I have become. Am I truly satisfied and content with my choices or am I still resentful and jealous for what was taken from away and not given to me?

I could say wonders about my life as it is now, but the whole purpose of this blog, my new name, identity and energy is to express and share my experience, and if you have been paying attention, you know by now how I feel and think.
What I'm doing now/ reaching my highest potential/ stopping the HIV meds and holding my balance naturally, couldn't be conceived within a frustrated mind and out of fear or anger.
Love and life happens in harmony and today I am in love with my life and my body and mind agree with me, creating a perfect bond between us, healing us, and loving us.

And so it is


Cristos Andronicos

PS: That day when I met my Ex, he told me something I didn't know. The day I OD with a cocktail of drugs in 2007 after a year and a bit of being infected by him with HIV, during that exact time he experienced a nervous/mind breakdown. He, just like I did had a close to death experience (NDE) and whatever happened that day changed our lives forever. With one tiny difference. Whilst he tried to avoid thinking about that crazy-dangerous and very frightening episode, I couldn't stop thinking, meditating, bathing and breathing about it. My life became obsessed with the idea of higher consciousness, life purpose, spirituality and so on. Without that, I don't think I'd have the peace of mind and body I enjoy today.
And when my Ex expressed his tormented mind, still weak towards possessive thoughts, chem-drugs, and a double life lived between he who he wants to love and he who gives him what he wants to enjoy; then I knew for the first time, I had gotten the best deal. Not the easiest or prettiest but definitely, at this stage, the better deal. In peace and in harmony with all. SatNam 🙏🏽❤️🏆🥇🥈🥉

PS2: That night we ended up in bed dreaming of a life together, which thanks god didn't happen the next day. Lol

PS3: This encounter truly felt like the closing of a cycle. The kind of cycle that involved tragedy, illness and death. With empathic, compassionate eyes we looked at each other and wished for the best.

ADDICTIONS – The Power To Stop!

Addictions, addictions, addictions. I don't think there's anything more paradoxical than addictions. Yet, we know them more for their dark qualities and the much they make us suffer, regardless of their presentation, than for their power to make us stronger. Food, alcohol, sex, love, exercise, drugs, money, work etc.. Don't we just love to hate them and/or we hate to love them?

However, in my personal opinion it is the right balance that allows us to obtain the benefits they provide whist avoiding the damage of becoming too attached to it. So how to achieve balance?
– 12 steps? Nahhh, not for me at leat. Although I recognise the fabulous job they've done on many people with weaker minds or less ability to self-control.

In my experience, there's ONE single thing I'm very good at, and which I consider not only a talent but a superhuman ability and that is the superpower of Not-Do. To simply disconnect the mind, and therefore the emotions created by thought. – What a truly amazing quality and power.
And yes, you may say 'Nahh, that ain't good enough. I rather do something than don't.' And you'd be right… when things are right.

When thoughts and emotions are in balance with Spirit, everything is possible. Our creative potential becomes enlightened and we must use all opportunity to advance, create, expand and promote.
– But when shit stinks and our mind proves us wrong constantly there's very little to do and a lot to become. In this space is where 'Not-Doing' becomes extremely useful.

By stop pretending things are ok; thinking that by just focusing on the bright side things will spark out of numbness and we will somehow begin to live a happy successful, well-directed life, Marked the Beginning of Real Change and Transformation for me. Although in my experience,
Positive thinking has an expire date, Negative thinking has already expired, Neutral thinking however knows not of time nor space. And this is where magic happens, and continues to happen, every time.

I remember, when I couldn't get what I thought I needed to get by., alcohol, food, drugs, attention, acceptance, cigarettes, gym, ir any other of my past addictions, in the highest of their influence over my mind and life, I could always disconnect from their subjugation. Simply by not moving. At least for a fraction of time.

Laying down, my eyes closed, breathing very long, very deep. Just looking at the darkness behind my closed eyelids. Knowing- Accepting there's nothing I could do. Just letting go. Observing the figures or images created over the dark canvas of my mind.
Maybe, this kind of pause in my internal time lasted only short instances, before the caged lion began to destroy everything he could before getting sedated with the substance of the moment. But I knew, that at least for that moment, I could escape my own escape mechanisms if I CHOSE NOT TO SUFFER. The challenge back then, over 10 years ago, was to make those short instances of neutrality last much longer and for my mind to be able to access those states easier and more content, knowing I'd feel good and proud of myself.
THE SECRET TODAY: To be able to live with myself. Stand my own presence, enjoy my own company.

The Art of Nothingness… some call it #Meditation. Few have written about it. Even fewer know what it really means. But all have the potentiality to stop.

AFFIRMATION: I am very proud of the strength of my will power. I can do and not do as I please. My peace and my health are my highest priorities. I love and approve of myself, even when my poor mind choose to fear death, I know my heart trusts the joy of my own immortality. I am my best friend, my greatest lover my must loving father. I am what I am and discovering that is the greatest adventure of this lifetime.

And So It Is….

Sharing my experience

Cristos Andronicos